Never A Dull Moment

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. I spoke with my attorney, Adam Dimwit, while I was waiting in the dentist office and he’s going to petition the court to see if I can get my range extended to a thousand feet or so. My argument is that paying this “Lawn Care Specialist” and the other fellow to do odd jobs is proving to be an unjust burden. We’ll see how she rolls.

Well, life is never boring here at TackyToo and I got a right pleasant surprise when my daughter Melody came over to see me last night. As I mentioned earlier, Melody hasn’t been ’round to see me since the incident. I was beginning to wonder if I had broke something this time that couldn’t be fixed. I was tickled pink when Mulva told me that Melody and her roommate Alex were coming over after supper. Truth was, supper wasn’t much more than a bowl of soup and some jello. Brother-in-law Moore had done a fine job of numbing me up, and it was all I could do to drink through a straw. I’m not exactly a silver tongue when I can actually move my lips and jaw, but I wanted to be able to impress on Melody my sincere apologies for what I had done. I also wanted to share with Melody my commitment to staying sober, and sane.

As it turns out, Melody wanted to share a commitment with me as well, her commitment to Alex. Did I mention Alex is a girl? Anyway, I got to cross one of the great mysteries of my life off the list, why the prettiest girl in the county wasn’t married with a house full of kids. When I really dwelled on my relationship with my daughter, I worried that I had been such a bad example of manhood that Melody just said, “I’ll have none of that”, and decided to live her life alone. I was so happy and relieved it wasn’t me. I should also add that I was happy for them as well. I was particularly happy Melody had found someone to share her life with, and, felt the love strong enough to make a lifetime commitment.

All of the girls were chattering like magpies in a tree, and I contented myself to sit back and listen to the plans. I figured I could get the specifics later on, right now I just wanted to bask in my daughter’s happiness. Melody and Alex were holding hands and spoke with each other with such consideration that it put me in mind of me and Mulva, a long, long time ago. I was really happy for them. After a while, they headed out. Big hugs all around, and everyone promising that we’d not let the next visit take so long to occur.

Well, as all pain killers do, they started to wear off. I began to feel the effects of my brother-in-law standing on my dentist chair with each of his feet planted by an ear and both of his hands fully in my mouth, with tools. The evening news came on with a story that totally took my mind off my pain. Some idjit County Clerk up in Kentucky was refusing to do her job. She was willing to break her sworn oath to the people of Kentucky because she was afraid Jesus would frown on her for allowing two of His children to get married. I have to say, based on my evening’s festivities, this was a double whammy. Where does this sanctimonious #(&)(-%^$ get off telling two people they can’t get married? Jeez, even the dinosaurs on the Supreme Court noodled this one correctly.

Now, I am not a religious scholar, but I do play one on the internet. I have found one truism that transcends every religion, “do unto others as you want done unto you”. Really, really, really simple. The scholars among you will notice how the ten commandments fold neatly into the dictum. Really, really, really simple. I don’t know where this idjit zealot was when this was taught in Sunday school, but by my reckoning she would have had to miss several years of Sundays to miss this lesson. I could be wrong though, maybe she attends the “First Church of The Hateful and Spiteful”.

Turns out she’s spending her night tonight in the Cross Bar Motel. I’m sure they’ll let her have a Bible, might I recommend the New Testament?

Best wishes to Melody and Alex if they’re reading.

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