The First Rule of Holes

Today I am put in mind of one of the phrases of one of my favorite writers, Molly Ivins. Molly use to cover politics from Austin, Texas and was one of the most gifted, insightful writers I’ve ever read. The fact that she used humor to skewer the politicians was a double bonus for me.

One of the phrases that Molly used to describe the actions of a politician who had gotten in deeper to a situation than was prudent was, “Poor old so and so, he’s forgotten the first rule of holes; when you’re in one, quit digging.” Molly made her point with the simple logic that everyone could understand. She applied the logic with warm hearted humor that made even the roasted politicians laugh at themselves. Molly Ivins was a national treasure in a state that was diametrically opposed to her politically. I miss her.

In the spirit of Molly Ivins, I’d like to say to Dr. Ben Carson, “quit digging”. Trying to figure out which hole Dr. Carson is in at this point in time is a bit of a guess, since he’s been digging a new one about every hour for the last few days. In case you haven’t caught the news in the last few days, I know a lot of satellite dishes have malfunctioned because of the weather, I’ll hit a few of Dr. Carson’s highlights.

1. Admitted to attempted murder. Don’t know what the statue of limitations is here, but Dr Carson claims in his misspent youth he once took a hunting knife and tried to stab to death his best friend. Since the telling of that story he has changed the victim to a family member, who now wants to remain anonymous. Story line is that Dr. Carson’s plunge to his friend’s abdomen was thwarted by a big belt buckle. The force of the blow shattered the knife, thereby preserving Dr. Carson’s future of using small knives on people.

2. Admitted to attempted matricide. Again, I don’t know what the statue of limitations is here, but Dr. Carson claims to have wanted to off his Mom with a claw hammer. The argument centered around clothing. Maybe it was Dr. Carson’s first attempt at joining the “hoodie” culture. I’m sure his Mom will give him a pass.

3. Claims he was offered a full scholarship to West Point. West Point has no record of Ben Carson applying. Maybe the required sponsor for all military academy appointments can come forward and clear up the story. Who was Dr. Carson’s congressman at the time?

4. Released a rap campaign song. No, really, Dr. Carson has released a rap campaign song, featuring that famous hip hop artist, Ben Carson. I’m betting he wore that treasured symbol of neurosurgeons everywhere, the hoodie, while he laid down the tracks to his chart buster. I am by no means an expert, but I believe I could have put together a better tune using The Tacky Ones.

I don’t know how to suss through all of this. How does a self hating black man decide he now wants to pick up the black vote? Does Carson think that blacks should vote for Carson just because he’s now coming out as a brother? Have we ever had a presidential candidate that has admitted to attempted murder? It seems like that would fall under the “DO NOT EVER” rules 1-10 from your campaign adviser. It reminds me of Edwin Edwards who once said, “The only way I can lose this election is if I’m caught in bed with either a dead girl or a live boy”. Unlike Ben Carson, Edwin Edwards knew he was supposed to avoid those conditions, not embrace them.

The best I can come up with is a saying that Granny Waller used to describe folks that had slipped into dementia, “He don’t got all what belongs to him.” As a yellow dog Democrat let me say, “please, please, please let Ben Carson be the Republican nominee”.

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